CHILDREN NEED MORE MODELS Than THEY NEED CRITICS

Potty training pt 2

Well, I got the boy potty trained w/ #1 in 3 days, #2 took about 3 wks and we still have a few mishaps and he is 23months.  All I did was keep him in underwear and after some incidents he was going consistently on the 3rd day w/ no issues since.  It's great...so much cheaper!  However, as I said I learned w/ my youngest girl...if they have a pull-up on they will go in them.  This is behaviorism 101 my friends, it is a fact....the strongest reinforcer is the most IMMEDIATE.  If your child can comfortably go in a pull-up or diaper, they will, for as along as they can.  Why?  It's easiest...they can experience relief w/out having to stop what they are doing.  W/out the pull-up or diaper...the immediate experience is very unpleasant, they are now in a mess and everyone knows it.  Kids are very smart!  Seriously, I hate having to stop while in the middle of something to go to the bathroom!  I hold it for as long as I can tolerate it.  For whatever reason my kids and many others that I know of...the kids do not want to go #2 in the toilet.  They seem scare, anxious...who knows....they hold it for as long as they can.  Just be patient and keep encouraging them.  You have to remember to make a huge deal when they do go on the toilet and offer immediate rewards, until they get the behavior under control, then offer random immediate rewards and eventually fade away the rewards.  Always give verbal praise!.  If my son has an accident I tell him that is Not ok, he is supposed to go in the potty, I even tell him that I am not happy that he went in his underwear.  When, he goes on the potty I yell "yeah!" I clap my hands, I tell him he is a good boy for using the potty and that I am very happy that he used the potty and I get a chocolate for him, which now is reserved only for going #2 (since there is still some hesitation there). 

Kids want to make us happy, let them know how they can make you happy!  We all function quickly, positively and most effectively on a reward system.  So, rather than focus on poor behaviors...Catch then being Good and praise them, let them know what makes you happy.  We must still explain misbehavior, why it's bad & what they should do next time, as well as, provide time outs, as necessary. I am very vocal about my feelings with my kids.  When my daughter was 3 she began telling people that, "frustration can lead to anger" b/c I would tell her, "I am getting frustrated w/ your behavior and if you don't stop, I will get angry." My 4 yr old will ask us, "Do you like it when I do this?" or "Does this make you happy?" Kids seek our attention & happiness, just as we do w/ those we love.  They always wants to do the right thing, they just can't always accomplish that task b/c their own desires are guiding them.  Even though our kids can make us feel a bit crazy at times, frustrated and angry...they are also the loves of our lives, they are the part of us that reaches into the future.  CATCH THEM BEING GOOD!!!!! every chance you get...    

Parenting Styles

Authoritarian Parents: impose rules and expect obedience.  They say things like: don't talk while I'm talking, do what I say or you'll be grounded, I don't care, do what I say, don't talk, just do what I say, because I said so.  They expect a lot of kids, they enforce rules, but they are not responsive to their child's needs.



Permissive Parents: submit to their kids desires.  They make little to no demands and use little punishment.  They set rules but don't follow through.  If the kid cries they give in and do what the kids wants.  They let kids hang with whoever they want, they enable poor behavior by demanding very little of their kids.  They are more concerned about their kids liking them and being friends with their kid.



Authoritative Parents: demanding and responsive to kids needs.  They maintain control by setting rules, and enforcing the rules.  They are consistent with enforcing rules.  If they make a mistake they are not afraid to acknowledge it to the kid and then correct the mistake.  They take time to explain the reasons for the rules.  With older children they encourage open discussion about thoughts, emotions and perceptions.  They will discuss the making of rules and allow exceptions. They know that parenting comes first and friendship comes last.  Kids have many friends they only have one set of parents. 



We've got parenting styles that are too hard, too soft and just right.

Studies reveal that children who have the highest self-esteem, social competence and self-reliance have parents who are warm, concerned, and authoritative.

Children who display less self-esteem and have less social skill have parents who are authoritarian.

Children who tend to be more aggressive and immature have parents who are permissive.

Reference:

Myers, D. G. (2010). Psychology. (9th ed.). New York, New York: Worth Publishers.

Family

Paraphrase from psychiatrist Carl Jung, we reach backward into our parents, we reach forward into our children, and through their children we reach into a future that we will never see, but about which we must care.

Pull-Ups

Pull-Ups seem like a good idea, but kids like to play and if they can continue doing that, then they will.  Stopping the fun and going to the bathroom is not enjoyable.  Children are not going to go to the bathroom if they are not made to do so. I have heard a lot of parents tell me that their child's doc said, "don't rush the kid they will go when they are ready".  Ok, FYI children are physically able to control all muscles necessary to be potty trained by approx 18 months.  Thanks to Pull-ups we have a lot of 5 yr old kids wearing Pull-ups b/c they are not potty trained.  It's a brilliant marketing strategy.  Give parents the illusion of mess free potty training while kids are able to continue playing instead of going to the bathroom.  It's genius! I have watched this occur many times.  It amazes me that parents will keep buying pull-ups for so long.  I do blame docs who also enable this behavior and as they tell parents not to worry about it.  Well, kids are physically able to control all muscles by 18 mon, so obviously they are ready by 2 yrs of age.  Are they willing? Well that's another story.  Both my youngest kids started telling me that they had to go #2 about 20 months.  They said it, then shortly after they would go in their diaper.  This only lasted about a week for both, then they didn't say anything again.  I watched my youngest daughter repeatedly go in her pull-up for about 4 months.  She would use the potty, but only when she wanted.  I had all kinds of rewards set up for her, but she kept going in her pull-up most often.  The most immediate consequence (pos or neg) is the most powerful. I gave a reward after she went.  The pull-up offered relief and play all in an instant.  I got tired of it, I knew she was able to control this and I saw she didn't care b/c she didn't have to.  She was 2 yrs 2 months when I pulled up all the rugs and kept her off the furniture as much as possible and I put her in underwear.  The first time she urinated and it ran down her leg, she froze and yelled, "Mommy".  I told her she needed to use the bathroom.  She did not enjoy that experience.  She now got an immediate uncomfortable experience when she went and w/in 2 wks she was using the bathroom regularly.  There were some accidents, but they disappeared quickly.  She did wear a pull-up to bed for about a year.  The only struggle that remained was going #2, but it was resolved w/ in 2 months.  By 2.5 yrs she was using the bathroom regularly w/ little to no accidents. Remember the most immediate consequence (pos or neg) are the most powerful, which is why Pull-ups are not very helpful to potty training your toddler.

Pull-Ups

I have issues w/ pull-ups.  Wonderful idea...but a pull-up does not encourage actual potty training. Children love to play and get into stuff.  Children do not like to stop playing or having fun.  They would prefer to just go where they sit and continue playing.  The idea of stopping to go to the bathroom is not a fun idea. If a child has the option to continue having fun w/out stopping to go to they bathroom that is exactly what they will do.  F.Y.I children are able to control all muscles necessary to be potty trained by 18 months.  Now I have heard many parents tell me that doctors tell them not to worry about potty training b/c the kid will go when they are ready.  Well, thanks to them and pull-ups there are 5 year olds running around in pull-ups still not potty trained.  Why is this you ask?  Good question...b/c they can.  If their is no pressure to go to the potty and they are comfortable wearing a pull-up that wonderfully contains their mess, well then, let the playing continue.  If a child is able to control the necessary muscles to appropriately go to the bathroom then that is precisely where they need to go.  I have observed this repeatedly.

Potty Training

Ok, beginning to potty train the boy.  This is a bit of a challenge...First, he is scared of sitting or standing over the big potty.  Second, if he doesn't sit at the right angle on the potty his little dude is pointed out, not down toward the potty.  Come on!  All he wants to do is squirm all around and it's a bit scary, I do not want to get sprayed!! With girls they can just sit down it does not matter how they sit and everything goes where it is supposed to go.  Needless to say, I am taking it a bit slowly.  He is kinda big for that little potty.  I'd really prefer that he lose his fear of the big one.  I even have a nice comfy seat for the big one.  However, even if he doesn't sit at the right angle on the big one his dude is still angled out toward me.  Considering getting a shield of some sort. :)