Authoritarian Parents: impose rules and expect obedience. They say things like: don't talk while I'm talking, do what I say or you'll be grounded, I don't care, do what I say, don't talk, just do what I say, because I said so. They expect a lot of kids, they enforce rules, but they are not responsive to their child's needs.
Permissive Parents: submit to their kids desires. They make little to no demands and use little punishment. They set rules but don't follow through. If the kid cries they give in and do what the kids wants. They let kids hang with whoever they want, they enable poor behavior by demanding very little of their kids. They are more concerned about their kids liking them and being friends with their kid.
Authoritative Parents: demanding and responsive to kids needs. They maintain control by setting rules, and enforcing the rules. They are consistent with enforcing rules. If they make a mistake they are not afraid to acknowledge it to the kid and then correct the mistake. They take time to explain the reasons for the rules. With older children they encourage open discussion about thoughts, emotions and perceptions. They will discuss the making of rules and allow exceptions. They know that parenting comes first and friendship comes last. Kids have many friends they only have one set of parents.
We've got parenting styles that are too hard, too soft and just right.
Studies reveal that children who have the highest self-esteem, social competence and self-reliance have parents who are warm, concerned, and authoritative.
Children who display less self-esteem and have less social skill have parents who are authoritarian.
Children who tend to be more aggressive and immature have parents who are permissive.
Reference:
Myers, D. G. (2010). Psychology. (9th ed.). New York, New York: Worth Publishers.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Family
Paraphrase from psychiatrist Carl Jung, we reach backward into our parents, we reach forward into our children, and through their children we reach into a future that we will never see, but about which we must care.
Pull-Ups
Pull-Ups seem like a good idea, but kids like to play and if they can continue doing that, then they will. Stopping the fun and going to the bathroom is not enjoyable. Children are not going to go to the bathroom if they are not made to do so. I have heard a lot of parents tell me that their child's doc said, "don't rush the kid they will go when they are ready". Ok, FYI children are physically able to control all muscles necessary to be potty trained by approx 18 months. Thanks to Pull-ups we have a lot of 5 yr old kids wearing Pull-ups b/c they are not potty trained. It's a brilliant marketing strategy. Give parents the illusion of mess free potty training while kids are able to continue playing instead of going to the bathroom. It's genius! I have watched this occur many times. It amazes me that parents will keep buying pull-ups for so long. I do blame docs who also enable this behavior and as they tell parents not to worry about it. Well, kids are physically able to control all muscles by 18 mon, so obviously they are ready by 2 yrs of age. Are they willing? Well that's another story. Both my youngest kids started telling me that they had to go #2 about 20 months. They said it, then shortly after they would go in their diaper. This only lasted about a week for both, then they didn't say anything again. I watched my youngest daughter repeatedly go in her pull-up for about 4 months. She would use the potty, but only when she wanted. I had all kinds of rewards set up for her, but she kept going in her pull-up most often. The most immediate consequence (pos or neg) is the most powerful. I gave a reward after she went. The pull-up offered relief and play all in an instant. I got tired of it, I knew she was able to control this and I saw she didn't care b/c she didn't have to. She was 2 yrs 2 months when I pulled up all the rugs and kept her off the furniture as much as possible and I put her in underwear. The first time she urinated and it ran down her leg, she froze and yelled, "Mommy". I told her she needed to use the bathroom. She did not enjoy that experience. She now got an immediate uncomfortable experience when she went and w/in 2 wks she was using the bathroom regularly. There were some accidents, but they disappeared quickly. She did wear a pull-up to bed for about a year. The only struggle that remained was going #2, but it was resolved w/ in 2 months. By 2.5 yrs she was using the bathroom regularly w/ little to no accidents. Remember the most immediate consequence (pos or neg) are the most powerful, which is why Pull-ups are not very helpful to potty training your toddler.
Pull-Ups
I have issues w/ pull-ups. Wonderful idea...but a pull-up does not encourage actual potty training. Children love to play and get into stuff. Children do not like to stop playing or having fun. They would prefer to just go where they sit and continue playing. The idea of stopping to go to the bathroom is not a fun idea. If a child has the option to continue having fun w/out stopping to go to they bathroom that is exactly what they will do. F.Y.I children are able to control all muscles necessary to be potty trained by 18 months. Now I have heard many parents tell me that doctors tell them not to worry about potty training b/c the kid will go when they are ready. Well, thanks to them and pull-ups there are 5 year olds running around in pull-ups still not potty trained. Why is this you ask? Good question...b/c they can. If their is no pressure to go to the potty and they are comfortable wearing a pull-up that wonderfully contains their mess, well then, let the playing continue. If a child is able to control the necessary muscles to appropriately go to the bathroom then that is precisely where they need to go. I have observed this repeatedly.
Potty Training
Ok, beginning to potty train the boy. This is a bit of a challenge...First, he is scared of sitting or standing over the big potty. Second, if he doesn't sit at the right angle on the potty his little dude is pointed out, not down toward the potty. Come on! All he wants to do is squirm all around and it's a bit scary, I do not want to get sprayed!! With girls they can just sit down it does not matter how they sit and everything goes where it is supposed to go. Needless to say, I am taking it a bit slowly. He is kinda big for that little potty. I'd really prefer that he lose his fear of the big one. I even have a nice comfy seat for the big one. However, even if he doesn't sit at the right angle on the big one his dude is still angled out toward me. Considering getting a shield of some sort. :)
One of those Days!
Did you ever have one of those days where you just couldn't seem to keep up? When every time you turn around your kids are into something that they should not be in? Stuff keeps breaking. Fluids keep getting spilled. Children are bouncing off the walls, screaming and yelling. They are slowly but surely destroying your house. Seems like all you do is discipline while crawling closer to the point of explosion. Well, today is that day for me. Trying keep my sanity! If I didn't know any better I'd swear the kids were drinking Mtn Dew. (Well, my 3yr old seems like that constantly). It's amazing how they just don't stop grabbing at and climbing on everything they shouldn't and can't seem to maintain their inside voice. I hate days like this when I can't just enjoy my kids, I have to constantly be the judge and jury. I certainly feel like a referee. It's very emotionally draining when you become so frustrated that all you are doing is trying to control your temper, trying not to yell or break stuff yourself. Thank God for nap time and older siblings this evening to help entertain. Mom needs a break.
Discipline
Are there any creative parents out there? Who have discovered some effective consequences that do not involve spanking? Seriously, once a child is past a certain age (like 2) spanking isn't really effective. Of course there should always be differing levels to consequences. Punishments should always begin with the least restrictive and increase in severity and restrictiveness as the negative behavior continues. The punishment should match the crime. Determine the behaviors that you consider to be in the really bad category (physical aggression, spitting on another, harming another, etc.). These would get no warning, but an immediate more restrictive consequence. Don't forget you are the parent and you can add to that list and alter the rules as you need to. Parents have complete veto power. Pay attention to your kids likes and dislikes as you decide appropriate consequences. As your kids get older the consequences should change. The punishment should match your child's personality also. Some kids are more sensitive and do not require high levels of consequences. Some kids are more aggressive and oppositional, these children may not be swayed so easily. These children require more creativity and likely support from others. I have seen a lot of parents get stuck when giving consequences. The consequences don't match the child or the crime, all children and behaviors are dealt with the same. This generally isn't effective for long and eventually behaviors may escalate.
Ignoring Temper Tantrums
I have heard many Physicians tell parents that they should ignore their child's temper tantrums. I think that is absolutely, the worst advise ever! I can not believe a Physician would tell a parent that ignoring their child's emotions and inability to understand or control their emotions is the best parenting practice. Children are full of emotions and they don't understand any of them. Children are full of wants and desires and they believe that if we don't fulfill their desires that we are neglecting them. Children can only see what is right in front of them, they can not conceive of anything beyond the immediate. If you ignore your child when the child is exploding with emotions then the child only feels neglected and angry. What does ignoring teach your child? It teaches them that they must work harder to get your attention in any way they deem necessary. They must have get their needs met and if you don't guide them, they will just do what they know how to do...explode with emotions. They will allow their emotions to guide them, because as we all know, emotions are very powerful. I know many adults who can't recognize their emotions, control their emotions or determine what triggered that emotion to begin with. As a parent your job is to teach your child, guide your child, set boundaries and limits for your child. Ignoring tantrums does not teach anything you'd hope to teach your child. I have heard parents use this reason for ignoring their child, "They will learn that type of behavior won't get them what they want." So, how will they learn this and what behavior will they choose to use next to get your attention? I don't know about you, but it is pretty clear to me that all babies, from birth are know who to be bad, to manipulate, to lie, to split parents, to be sneaky and to have temper tantrums. I have yet to see a kid who comes out unselfish, truthful, aware of how to handle emotions, or with the absence of a self serving nature. Face it, Bad behaviors are the only thing that comes easy and we all know from birth. So help me to understand how ignoring bad behaviors will suddenly teach good behaviors? It won't, the child will move on to worse behaviors and they will figure out what you will respond to. Children want and desire our love and attention! Do not keep your attention from your child by ignoring them while they have no idea how else to express themselves, but through a tantrum. Take the time to teach your child, tantrums are the perfect learning moment. If you don't teach them what is appropriate and acceptable behavior they certainly will not figure it out on their own. A 2 yr old does not have reasoning skills, he does not have insight, he does not have the ability to choose a better approach to cope with his emotions or to express his needs unless you specifically tell him. In fact you must repeatedly define what is acceptable and appropriate behaviors probably until he is 30. While your child is crying, screaming or stomping (whatever expression he chose) kneel down to his level, make eye contact and direct him how to behave. Tell him to stop what is is doing, then Ask him to tell you what he wants by using words, ask him to show you what he want by pointing. Give your child an alternative way of getting your attention. Give him an alternative behavior every time his emotions take control. Help your child know that tantrums will not get them what they want but asking or pointing will definitely get your attention. Teach your child how to get your attention in the manner you are comfortable with before he determines a method more severe. Offer verbal praise when he asks or points, tell him that was a good way to get my attention, or I like how you asked. Force yourself to acknowledge the good behaviors no matter how small as you are working to form good behaviors in your child. Children have so many emotions and they have no idea what to do with them. Your child desires only to have your attention so teach them how you want them to seek it. If your child does not cooperate and you can not calm them down, then sit him in a chair and tell him when he is ready to ask or point, then you will listen. Then ignoring continued crying is acceptable. If the crying continues despite your prompting (3 prompts) or is disrupting a lot of people, then separate the child. You should always set a limit on your prompting and keep your prompting as simple as possible...1,2,3 and your out, that is my limit. My child is then removed and placed in his crib or bed, they are then free to scream and cry until he is better able to control his emotions. However, breaking or throwing objects is not an acceptable expression of emotions. If that occurs he will be instructed by me, up close and personal that breaking or throwing objects is not OK and if it continues a spanking will follow. When he is ready to obey the boundaries I just set on his behavior he may come out are the instructions I give to a child closer to 4 yrs old. My 23 month old just gets a timed crib stay (1 min per year of age). For him I use seconds until I reach the min. Always, provide your child with closure. When he is compliant, hug him, tell him you love him, you just don't like it when he does...(fill in the blank). If he is able to talk and says he is sorry tell him that you forgive him. Just please don't ignore your child's tantrums expecting that some miracle will occur and your child will suddenly learn how they should be acting! Please work with your child, teach your child what is and is not acceptable and repeat as necessary. Have no doubt you will have to repeat until he gets it, then there will be another behavior to work on. Dealing with emotions is hard even for adults who have insight and the ability to reflect, and make deductions. Emotions come on fast and furious, especially in little ones. Help your child out teach them how to best handle their emotions, especially what you will and will not tolerate. If a tantrum is something you are willing to ignore and tolerate, then a tantrum is exactly what you will get.
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